“You don’t know how to sit quietly. Those kids in next table are sitting with their parents nicely, and you are running here and there and now spilled the water. How many times do we have to repeat ourselves before you listen. Especially when we are outside, you make sure to embarrass us. We will not take you to restaurants again unless you learn to behave”.

I screamed at my 4 year old for one whole minute and now he was sitting quietly on corner of sofa. He was continuously moving in and out of small space where we were sitting.

Now that my emotional outburst was over, I realized that it was just an accident and anyone could have spilled that water. To be fair, it was partially my fault as I left the glass close to the edge.

I started feeling guilty and observed my son who was visibly looking dejected while my wife was consoling him.

These incidents are common occurrence when you are out with kids in supermarkets while grocery shopping, at restaurants, parks or any other public place.

Now I want to ask you something. When you were reading the first paragraph — where I was screaming at my 4 year old, I am sure you were sympathizing with my son (rightly so). It means that we can see parenting with shame when someone else is doing it. What we find hard is to practice shame-free parenting with our own kids.

Embracing ‘shame-free’ parenting is challenging because emotional outbursts put us in an intensely hypersensitive state.

In that state, our logical part of brain does not function properly, commonly referred to as “Amygdala hijack”.

The term “amygdala hijack” refers to an intense emotional response triggered by the brain’s amygdala, the part responsible for processing emotions like fear, anger, and stress.

When parents face challenging or stressful moments — like a child throwing a tantrum or refusing to listen. The amygdala can take over, overriding the Prefrontal Cortex (thinking part of brain).

This response from amygdala is rooted as our survival mechanism since cavemen times. It was meant to protect us from danger by initiating a “fight or flight” response.

When you see a car rushing to you while you are crossing road. On sensing the danger, amygdala will immediately take over and put you in fight or flight mode — in this case flight (you run quickly to avoid crash).

So, in context of facing immediate danger, it is our survival mechanism. However, in our daily lives and especially in context of parenting, this hijack displays as an emotional outburst at our kids; such as yelling, harsh criticism, or shaming. During these moments, parents may resort to shame parenting — while few times is not a problem, but soon it becomes default mode of disciplining.

Keep in mind that these shame-based reactions often stem from frustration, fear of losing control, public embarrassment (like in my case in story above), or even societal pressure.

The hijack prevents parents from pausing, reflecting, or responding in a calm and constructive way. Instead, they react impulsively, often causing emotional harm to the child.

Here are some examples of parents using shame in their statements. I am sure you have often used such statements or similar.

è Comparing

“Why can’t you be more like your sister? She never causes problems.”

è Labeling (worst form of shaming)

“You’re always such a mess. Can’t you do anything properly?”

è Disregarding feelings

“Stop crying and acting like a little baby. Grow up!”

è Undermining

“That’s all you got? I thought you could do better than this.”

è Public embarrassment

Saying any mean comments in front of other people especially their friends or relatives.

“Everyone saw what you did. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”

è Threatening or Belittling

“If you keep acting like this, no one will like you.”

“You really can’t do anything right, can you?”

Why these statements hurt?

Imagine you sent your work to your new boss and during meeting, your boss insults your work by attacking your identity or self-worth (you’re lazy, you’re incompetent). The emotions you will feel especially when it is done publicly (in front of your colleagues).

Such statements attack a child’s identity or self-worth, rather than addressing specific actions.

It teaches them to connect their mistakes to their identity.
Instead of “drawing on the wall was wrong” — they start thinking “I’m a bad kid.”

They carry that voice into adulthood.

They blame themselves for anything that goes wrong (I’m a failure instead of my project failed). They grow up anxious, insecure, and afraid to mess up or take risks.

They might start believing they are “bad” or “not enough”. They internalize these moments of shame, which can impact their self-esteem and emotional development.

You think you’re raising a well-behaved kid. You’re actually raising a self-doubting adult.

I am not at all advocating “not disciplining”. I am just emphasizing not to use “shame” to discipline them.

Constructive feedback should focus on their actions, not their identity, and should always be delivered with empathy and respect.

Instead of saying:

You’re so lazy and irresponsible, how many times do I have to tell you to tidy up your room?

Say:

You forgot to clean up your toys like we agreed. That’s a problem because it makes your room messy. Let’s figure out a way to remember next time.

Instead of saying:

You’re a liar. Why do you have to lie?

Say:

You told a lie, and that breaks trust. It’s wrong. What can you do differently next time to keep our trust strong?

Instead of saying:

You’re a failure. You failed so easy test.

Say:

You didn’t do well on this test. Tell me what went wrong? How you can prepare better next time.

Shaming might fix the moment, but it damages your child. It’s the emotional baggage your child carries for life. Often, it takes years of hard work to heal those scars.

We all have moments we wish we could take back. What matters is what we learn from them.

It’s not about perfect parenting — it’s about being more mindful; catching ourselves, owning it, and doing better next time.

Because our words and actions build their identity.

So, let’s build them up, not break them down.